Patient Patience

23 Sep

To say that I’m exhausted from pain is an understatement.  Let me just give you a quick rundown of what’s going on….(and if technical, lady-business words make you uncomfortable – skip this one!)

April 2013 – intense pain and cramping during periods, had an ablation to help with pain

October 2015 – pain starts back up and surgery is scheduled, due to endometriosis

December 2015 – hysterectomy performed (partial, kept ovaries)

June 2016 – pain is back, but only in left side…checked for cyst – negative….GYN thinks due to endometriosis.  Suggests removing ovaries will kill estrogen and therefore stop feeding endometriosis.

June 2016 – Ovaries removed. No hormones prescribed so as to remove as much estrogen as possible.  Pain continues.  While performing surgery, notices there is significant endometriosis on colon.

July 2016 – Pain continues. Visits to primary care physician, GYN and general surgeon to discuss options.  Surgeon orders colonoscopy and EGD to check for any blockages or other issues.

August 2016 – Colonoscopy performed.  No blockages.  Colon is “floppy” but not showing any signs internally that endo has damaged.  Surgeon not convinced that endo is source of pain.  GYN is sure endo is.

September 2016 – Follow up with general surgeon and he now wonders if pain could be from femoral hernia.  He checks and feels “something”.  He performs ultrasound and sees “something”.  Orders CT Scan.

September 2016 – CT Scan performed and awaiting results.  Still waiting.  Not patiently.

I am so thankful for friends and family who have reached out, helped out and prayed diligently.  I may not have a large family but I have an amazing husband and kids, an awesome set of parents and in-laws and many cousins who have prayed and checked in on me.  I’m blessed.

I’m so hoping this pain can be a distant memory soon.  Until it is, I am just taking one day at a time….sometimes an hour at a time.  The pain is on my left side, is worse when I’m standing and appears for most of the time when I am standing/walking/sitting and if I am laying down it is more than likely THERE but maybe not as “sharp”.

I can’t believe all that has changed in three months.  I went from a workaholic to a stay at home Mom.  A relatively healthy 37 year old to a 37 year old hermit in chronic pain.  Making the decision to leave my stressful, travel-heavy job was a hard one but I am so grateful that my husband and family supported me in it so much.  There is absolutely no way I could commit to working at this point.  I’m thankful that I have always had a job, since I was 15 (shout out to Jimbo’s Grill and On Cue!!) and I have had amazing opportunities, met wonderful people and learned many things (shout out to pivot tables, vlookups and incentive programs).  The season I’m in now is one of waiting and being still and having faith.  It’s uncomfortable but I do believe that the Lord is with me and is guiding me through this.  He is giving me strength to do things that matter.  Homework with MJ, moving my oldest to college, getting ready for doctor appointments, cooking dinner for my sweet husband….the important things.  I am just learning every day to be a patient patient.  It’s not easy.

Cleaning out my closet….

15 Sep

Or, well, my drafts folder.

I published two blogs tonight that I had been holding on to for a while.  I’m not sure why I hadn’t posted them but there they were hanging out in my drafts folder for no good reason.  If anyone happens to stumble upon my blog and get something positive from my pain, I will be happy. I find so much comfort, humor and solidarity out of reading the words of others.  Maybe someone needs to read mine.

Gains and Losses

15 Sep

Don’t worry, this is not a finance lesson.  No short-term, long-term or capital loss carryovers will be mentioned in this blog.  Ever.

Have you lost anything recently?  Weight?  Car keys?  Debit card? Your mind?  Gained anything recently? Weight? Debt? Love? Children?  How do you compare the two?  Is something gained always better than something lost? Do they always go hand in hand?

In the past few months, it seems I have be involved in or aware of many of both.  Loss of life, loss of a relationship, loss of trust, loss of faith.  Gain of a friend, gain of love, gain of confidence, gain of success.  Do you have to have known one to know the other?  Do you have to experience both simultaneously? It sometimes feels that way. We hear things like “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger”…as if to say that by losing SOMETHING we are gaining strength.  We constantly hear of people who lose a loved one and gain faith in the Lord. Losing one job can mean a new, better opportunity.

Basically, it would appear to be balanced, right?  But what happens when you lose someone or something and you can’t figure out why that’s happening?  What happens when there doesn’t seem to be any good reason for someone to decide they don’t like you.  When someone you love deserts you or puts you down – how do you turn that into something good?

I struggled with this personally a while back.  Someone I loved hurt me immensely. I’m talking about that kind of gut-wrenching ache that makes you feel physically ill.  (Please, y’all, it was NOT my husband…he’s a total gentleman and I’d lose my mind if he did that to me…and change my blog name!  LOL)  I’m not a revengeful person.  I don’t delight in getting back at people.  I don’t like for someone to know they “got to” me either.  I don’t like confrontation. All in all, I’m a doormat, I suppose. I would much rather just go on and keep being nice and friendly and civil instead of causing drama or calling someone out. My methods solve NOTHING. My methods breed agreement. By not saying anything or acting no different, I am saying “YES PLEASE, TREAT ME HOWEVER YOU WANT AND TALK ABOUT ME ALL YOU WANT AND I’LL JUST BE HERE WITH A SMILE THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU.” I decided I had to try something different with this situation. So I prayed. I forgave. And I was silent. I can’t bring myself to reach out to say “why?” or “how?” or even a call to say “I forgive you”. I’m just too hurt. I have forgiven. But I can’t comply with someone saying hurtful things about me and not apologizing. Now, I don’t need an apology in order to forgive. (That’s per Jesus, y’all.) But I believe that if you’re sorry you say it. If you aren’t, you don’t. So if you don’t, you aren’t. (Now, that was kinda math equation-ish there, so I’m sorry about that.) I have not received any type of apology….not even one of those that says “I’m sorry you were offended” (which is not really an apology, don’t ever do that!)…not “I was mad, I didn’t mean it”…not “you didn’t hear me right”….  So, I’m left to think it was intentional, it was said because it was felt and it was said without regard to my feelings.

So, very long story short. I’m learning that lesson of forgiving when someone is not sorry. It is not a lesson that was up there that I wanted to learn, mind you. But sometimes class is boring, right?

x + y = z

x = someone mistreats you, and they aren’t sorry for it

y = you are hurt

z= you forgive them anyway

Class dismissed.

Hurt.

15 Sep

The definition of hurt as a noun is physical injury or harm.  The definition of injured is harmed, damaged, offended or impaired.  I can honestly say I have suffered much damage and offense in the last few months.  Nothing I want to share specifically except to proclaim that this will not define me.  I won’t let a setback or drama someone else’s words change me.  I am proud of who I am.  I am proud of my life and my family and my character and integrity.  I won’t let anyone affect the happiness that stems from my soul.

I was created by a Mighty God.  He directs my path and my life.  He alone.

Romans 8:28: “We know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose”

Inzombia

14 Sep

That word mush of insomnia and zombie has probably been coined already….and I’m probably late to the party…but it’s the only thing that sums up my life right now!

Between menopause (from ovary removal 6/22) and pain in my LLQ (that’s left lower quadrant if you’re blessed to not have to know these abbreviations) that is from something like endometriosis on my colon OR a femoral hernia OR an alien abduction…I am soooo sleepy.  All day, every day, I could sleep.  I wake up to fetch MJ from school, take her to school, go to doctor appointments, and cook/eat.

I feel like this should be a sponsored post from Hallmark Movie Channel, Hallmark Movies & Mysteries, and Lowes Foods To Go!!

I am hoping to hear from some tests and to get a CT scan scheduled immediately to confirm my Dr’s latest theory….but until then, I have a mystery in Eden Lake to solve!

Letters from home

14 Aug

When your sweetheart is traveling for business, make no mistake about it…THEY MISS HOME. I speak from experience.  There is nothing like finding love notes from your loved ones in your luggage.  Do it. Overdo it. You will send a smile miles away…who doesn’t want to do that?

I like to include pics  (from Groovebook prints) and funny sayings.  Please, ladies and gents, don’t say things like “come home, I need help around the house” because that’s just rude. ☺

Say things like, “We miss your smile around the house…hope you rock that presentation!”  

My last note (usually a Friday morning) is always the shortest.  Literally it usually says…COME HOME AND KISS ME….or GET YOUR SWEET CALVES HOME…  

You get the point. And so will your sweetie. 😍

Cleaning or Cleansing?

1 Aug

Since we moved into our home three years ago, we were blessed to hire someone to clean it.  I honestly don’t know that I have ever deep cleaned the house until after I retired on 7/15.  I seriously forgot how satisfying it is to see something dirty and make it clean.  To have the vacuum lines…the clean counters…  Maybe I’m OCD more than I admit.  I love the fact that I can declutter and rearrange and my hubby comes home and notices.  Silly little things but in this season of sickness for my life, it is very rewarding to have something – anything, to feel that I have a little control over.

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